A first

I've never had a blog. I never thought I wanted to have a blog. But alas, here I am, blogging! Who knew I would ever start such a thing. I have journals of thoughts, lots of thoughts, but sometimes there are things you learn that are too good to keep to yourself, and so you share your thoughts with the world.

News: it travels fast. Much of it passes you by, but some, some of it sticks. It seems to be the tragedies we are attracted to. But it's the tragedies that bring much reality to life. I heard of a suicide today. My heart broke. I hurt. I hurt for the family, the friends, the coworkers and acquaintances. And I am deeply pained for the small children, for the wife of this man. How those children no longer have their daddy. How his wife feels she's responsible. And I hurt because I know all to well what pushes a person to those points.

It's a dark road, a very dark road. Little by little you're torn apart. Little by little you feel you've no control left. Little by little you're isolated. Little by little hope fades. And when it's gone, all alone and on your own, you give up. The silent war that raged just beneath the surface was never apparent to anyone else. It was never obvious, but it was there, all along, eating you up, like a slow developing cancer that eventually consumes the body -- only this is the mind.

I don't know why some people choose suicide, and why others never actually go through with it. But what I do know is that we, humans, cannot live without hope. Once hope is gone, we cease to exist. And that's when it has hit me: there is only one guarantee of hope in life, a hope that doesn't fail, a hope that is real, a hope UNCONDITIONALLY and INDEPENDENTLY separate from WHAT we do and HOW we do it.

You see, in those darkest moments, you start to struggle for anything to cling to give you a high. For just one thing to lift you up. One thing to give you hope. You hope for the husband, the children, the job, the car, the body, the looks, the clothes, the electronics, the gadgets, the STUFF....the attention, the power, the glamour, the love, the acceptance, the belonging, the understanding, the voice. You hope for all of those things you're told you can become: the doctor, the lawyer, the teacher, the student, the mother, the friend, the philanthropist and more. You hope for an escape: the vacation, the game, the move, the TV show, the concert. And sometimes you learn you can't hope in any of those things. You get the husband, the children, the job, the car, the body and more, you become the doctor, the lawyer, the mother, and you take the vacation, go to the game, attend the concert, and even move. But then you realize, you're still empty. Achieving them seems to require SO much more than what you're willing to give or what you are capable of doing, you start to give up as there still isn't a cure to that deep void in your life. And so, you find yourself numbing yourself to the realty of life. Instead you settle for the drink, the cigarette, the chocolate candy bar, the one night stand, the drugs, the parties, the raves. And you walk dangerously down a path that leads to your own destruction.

But sometimes along that path you actually find true hope. A hope that endures, that lasts, that loves, that never fails. A hope that isn't conditional upon you. And how do you find that hope? Well, it finds you in your most desperate moment. It meets you there. And when it does, you cling to it recognizing it's your only hope. And you finally see the truth that your only hope was the one true hope you always needed to have in your life. And that very truth begins to set you free.